Relationships have a deeper purpose than what we realise. And upon realising this – ALL my relationships changed, for the better.
People tend to live up to the expectations we have of them; and whether unconsciously or not, we’ve all been lead to believe and behave a way that is really NOT conducive to a healthy relationship, let alone a healthy life.
There is a reason relationships are a breading ground for challenge. And there is reason we’ve been gifted with the abundance of choice.
Remember being told as a child: “Be a go getter!” … Well I’m telling you as an adult, don’t be a go-getter.
Most people enter into and/or stay in a relationship, with the unconscious intent to see what they can get from the other person, rather than what they can put into, or give to them.
An example of this might be, they want to end their loneliness, they want to bring themselves love and affection, they want to fill a gap, fit in, they feel left out, end their depression, want more sex, desire attention, recover from a previous broken relationship, relieve boredom, etc…
What’s even more crazy about this, is that the other party in this messed-up-tango is seeing what they can ‘get’ from you too, and you know it!
You both believe you ‘need’ love (or something) from the other person… and so you make a trade: “I’ll give you what you want if you give me what I want.” Your relationship becomes a transaction… And what happens when you pay for something and get nothing in return?
We all have that favourite shop we go to, that we’re loyal too, for books, food, clothes, fuel, whatever. Now truly imagine for a moment… after months/years of loyalty to this service provider, you go there to get your product, take them to the register, you pay your loyal friend behind the counter, but they don’t give you what you paid for.
This is precisely where relationships fail. You only give, because you want to get. The moment you don’t get, you stop giving and resentment & anger ensues. We treat our relationships like a business deal.
Shocking isn’t it?
I reflect and analyse, I meditate and receive, I ponder, a lot, of shit…
I believe, that which is truly divine, has no needs or vested interests, thus the purpose on a relationship is NOT for transactional purposes.
Rather, the purpose on a relationship is to self realise. Without de-romanticising relationships, they’re simply a tool to grow, in order to become the highest version of You.
Why else do you think relationships are brimming with challenge…?
Challenge is like a big gorgeous staircase leading straight to the best and highest version of Yourself. Each step gets you closer to Who You really Are. And, much like walking an actual staircase, there is no need to carry each step along the way with you. You use one, to get you to the next, leaving each behind as you go. Use your challenge the same way, use it to get you to the next highest moment, but don’t carry that shit with you.
Now, the true test of love, lay in the moment of a relationship challenge. Here you have a choice, seek advantage (get) or seek opportunity (give).
Most seek to gain & blame in relationship challenge. How can I lose the least? What is most profitable for me right now?
Like most underlying basic human issues, it comes down to what’s perceived as easiest (the path of least resistance). It is of course far easier to look at another and be critical, than it is to look at the self. It is far easy to lay back and receive, than it is to give. It is far easier to blame, than it is to take responsibility.
However, nowhere worth travelling was easy to get to. So I invite you, in any given moment, to look at yourself, not at the other. For it is not in the action of another, but in your reaction that your emancipation is discovered.
It is never the case of wining or losing; rather, it is a case of loving or failing to love.
A couple who understands this, is one that thrives.
So stop worry about the other, and what they’re giving you or not giving you. Let them worry about themselves. You look at you, and worry about you. Are you looking to gain? Or are you looking to give? What are you asking, creating, wanting, experiencing? What are you offering, giving, doing, being?
Valuing LOVE above GAIN in any and ALL moments of life, is truly transformational. Because when life is lived from a standpoint of optimum advantage, the true benefit & opportunity of all of life is totally forfeited.
So, what’s my go-to…?
“What would love do now?” (Very fucking hard at first… but persist!)
It’s all you need to ask, in EVERY moment. In a relationship and out of a relationship…
This is not easy (at first)… but sometimes you need to give up who you are, in order to be Who You Are.
Never decide to do anything in a relationship out of obligation. Decide to do it due to the magnificent opportunity your relationship provides for you to be; a good fucking person.
My fiancé Matthew, can be a total asshole. And me… well I can be an absolute bitch. But we both are willing, and that’s what makes the difference. It is truly challenging to turn your pointing finger from your partner, back at yourself…but it is SO rewarding. When you can find that space to both agree on a common purpose for your relationship, every moment, good and bad, becomes truly sacred.
And to me, that is true love.